New Discovery: AdministratiumInvestigators at a major US research university recently discovered the
heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named
administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons,
75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force
that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is
inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a
minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four
days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a
second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three
years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice
neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an
administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with
each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons,
forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to speculate that perhaps administratium is spontaneously
formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass"
